I’m back with one of the most hilarious SEC Network games we will see this season. I admit that I’m mainly interested in this one based on familial stuff. Until I was about five years old, I lived about an hour away from the University of Louisiana-Monroe. You may know them as “that team that beat Arkansas last week.” Anyways, they were the crown jewel college of northeast Louisiana (even being known as NLU until the new millennium). My mom always said that she would’ve went there had she gone to college, similar to how I went to UA due to its closeness.
This week, I cheer like no one person in Tuscaloosa has ever cheered for the ULM Warhawks as they face Auburn. When we get close to kickoff, I’ll make poorly rendered analysis and hilarious banter for you to enjoy. Stay glued.
Alright, let’s talk about some stuff.
Auburn: Look, you know way more about Aubarn than I do. Much of this blog is going to be me cheering the Warhawks, so I can’t really give you much more. I do know that Auburn is a 17 point favorite in this ball game, which I still kind of want to bet against. I want pure confidence against the spread. But if you didn’t view my sort of live blog on last week’s MSU/Auburn game, you’ll know that Auburn was really damn bad last week. They won’t be as damn bad, but I’m really not sure. It all revolves on if Kiehl Frazier is apocalyptically terrible as he was last week. That’s the test.
ULM: Monroe doesn’t have a great history of college football. It kind of sums up ULM when a tailgater from Monroe, Louisiana was the SEC Network’s tailgater of the week and said fan prominently wore LSU attire. It’s like UAB but worse, at least until last week. ULM won perhaps their biggest win in school history knocking off then 8th-ranked Arkansas last week and that’s not a bad way to open for a team that has never had a winning record since joining 1-A/FBS in 1994. ULM lives on being underestimated, but after last week, they’re probably, uhh, correctly estimated? Either way, that’s a thing that will alter this game.
The SEC Network is this strange land that seems to come to shore only after morning wrestling and Dragon Ball Z re-dubs. I’m always fascinated by what the SEC Network adds or detracts to their C-rate contests, which is why I pay close attention to these games and blog this feature in the first place. Also, I keep thinking Cara Capuano likes some Arcade Fire. Double also, I hope the Capuano/Chizik interview is a pretape because otherwise, there is zero crowd in Jordan-Hare otherwise. Oh wait, no it’s not.
Other important insights from the studio show they do before the game, “Tailgating’s fun.” Wow. “He’s got a bruised what? Scapula?” Giggling at how dumb this dude is. Anyways, we’re about at kickoff.
Auburn 0, ULM 0 The stat that ULM has 480 yards per game of offense is kind of misleading, since they’ve player all of one football game so far. Still, Auburn’s defense and Arkansas’ defense might be a push. Not a great sign for anyone except ULM quarterback Kolton Browning, not relative to Sucker Punch star Emily Browning. Here’s a dumb jpeg.
BOOGITY BOOGITY LET’S GO RACING. Dave Neal called Andre Ware “Clark Kent” for his Buddy Holly shades, which I will show to you now.
ULM earns a first down! Also of note, ULM’s running back ran 40 yards. And guess what? The Auburn Tigers are playing poor defense. I know, so shocking. ULM is already at Auburn’s 26. Auburn may be getting a bit AHAHAHAH 1st and goal ULM. Kolton flops a bit to the 4. I’ve been told the refs of this game are a bit, umm, suspicious. So there’s that. But Auburn gets the biggest sigh of relief by not making a touchdown.
ULM 7, Auburn 0 For all the lolz, Kolton Browning throws a dirt easy pass to his tight end on fourth down for a touchdown. Naturally, I screamed and yelled like a banshee. So yeah, I want to tell some stories about my homeland of northeast Louisiana. My mom was a year away from going to the Superdome to see the fightin’ Oak Grove Tigers fight for the state title. Oak Grove is a town with not much to do, which means it’s probably a good analogue of Dillon, Texas from Friday Night Lights. I imagine almost none of the residents are watching this game and care more about LSU but whatever. And they have a good reason for that. ULM has never went to a bowl game. LSU was in last year’s national title game. There’s a difference, it seems. Nonetheless, they deserve a jolt after last week.
Kiehl Frazier gets a throw to save his life. He’ll need it. This is going to be hilariously Big 12-like in its shootout implications.
ULM 7, Auburn 7 And Auburn may be breathing the biggest sigh of relief. They needed offense, and Onterrio McCalebbbbb gave it to them. And even Kiehl Frazier. Oh man.
So, umm, my Emily Browning and unclear pictures of the teevee are kind of screwing up, so I’ll be confused. If there’s slow updating, it’s because WordPress has been a mother today. Here’s a note that would’ve been better five minutes ago:
This man is an alum of ULM. I’m sorry, guys. I’m sad, too.
(WHAT A PHENOMENAL VANDERBILT RUN, oh wait it’s against an FCS team.)
And ULM playing Sunbelt-level defense. Welp. Sorry, y’all. That said, a flag leads to an Auburn punt which is, and I quote, a 28 yard punt. Just when you think you know this team. Wait wait what, Kolton Browning is being taken out of the game? Andre Ware, admittedly a former QB who probably never wanted to be benched, says that this is dumb. And it kind of is. Dude played great and you need momentum if you want to pull this upset. But whatever. I didn’t beat Arkansas last week.
End of the 1st Quarter
And guess what? ULM’s gotta punt. I like the gunslinging, but I’m a little worried. Cara talks with Charles Barkley, part of the greatest studio team in sports, Inside the NFL. He plugs Weight Watchers and says there are a lot of fat people in Alabama. This is the best Auburn Tiger grad ever. Auburn punts, Andre Ware says ‘seven up,’ which I don’t think is right. I think about Heads Up, Seven Up, the best classroom game ever other than Apples to Apples. Life is good. Or life is better.
This is on Vevo, so it might not play. Well, whatever. By the way, if you haven’t heard Q-Tip’s album The Renaissance and you miss the shit out of 90s hip hop, it’s worth it.
Kolton Emily Browning got a first down or something. By the way, awesome they got this guy to be Auburn’s defensive coordinator:
“We give every opponent our best effort.” — Gene Chizik, 0-2 coach in Ford ad. I’m really sad if you don’t get to see these ads if you don’t live in our local area. They are fantastic. Worth all the lolz. Or maybe I like the ads because this quarter has been the drizzling shits. If you read this for insight (ok, you’re laughing now), I’m afraid I haven’t given much of that. Least you got jpegs, though! This is the equivalent of two bored stoners playing chess.
Kolton struggled with his return, but then he dug up a 32 yard pass to end a 3rd and nine. I tell you guys, I’d take ULM on a third or fourth down over a lot of teams. They seem fearless at the long ball when most teams would be timid. And why shouldn’t they be? Their reputation is that of a losing team anyway. Why not try shit?
ULM 14, Auburn 7 And wow and damn, Kolton went into overdrive. He’s officially better at being a Browning than the aforementioned Emily. He runs a glorious 39 yard TD on a QB fake. And right after that, they air a shitty looking ULM ad with a glorious fight song. I need to find the fight song. I am so so happy.
They’re comparing Kolton Browning to a certain Jets backup. Ugh. HE PLAYS IN THE SUNBELT, YO. YOU WON’T EVEN SEE HIM NEXT WEEK. That said, he’s pretty damn good. I’m a fan.
ULM 14, Auburn 14 Well, we finally have figured out when Kiehl Frazier gives a shit. It’s right around the time when the opposing team scores. Frazier does a better job of catching a ball than he has throwing the football, although I say that and Frazier is 8-for-10. Welp. Auburn’s stadium song here is “Dynamite” by Taio Cruz. This is the worst thing. If I ran a stadium, this would be my touchdown fight song:
More Sonic Youth. I am what I hate. But honestly, does that make any less sense than “guys wants to fuck hot chicks”? I guarantee you that it doesn’t. Also love the prominent empty space which may be of the Auburn band, but may also be of protest. I really do not know.
Auburn 21, ULM 14 The Sunbelt-itis begins. Kiehl Frazier almost got sacked. Then he threw it into the endzone. Then a fella caught it. I’m, umm, well then. Sammy Coates is his name? To Frazier’s credit, that was kind of impressive. But whatever.
BubbaProg’s screencap seems to point at blatant holding. I’m going to get some pita chips. Merh.
End of the 2nd Quarter
The halftime show always sounds like it’s called the Ceasefire halftime show. That’s really all I have to note. The sad part about this Saturday is that every major conference battle is not being played yet, so we get C-grade analysis of games most fans have already heard being covered all week by better analysts. Alas.
So I want to talk about this ad. The point of the ad seems to be that small towns rally around establishment. So why doesn’t the Taco Bell ad say “We’re going to open a Taco Bell in your shitty town”? No, the ad seems to say “Well, that dude lied, we’re not opening a Taco Bell, but here’s our shitty Doritos tacos!” What does that say? Appreciate your Taco Bell? Don’t live in Alaska? Taco Bell are dicks that don’t want to sell the Alaskans?
Onterrio McCalebbbbbbb should probably get the ball more. When he gets the ball, he trounces the shit out of this team.
Auburn 28, ULM 14 Auburn gets a Tre’ Mason touchdown run to take leads and shit. Looking like ULM won’t give me the satisfaction of a double upset. But it’s okay. Just gives us more time to wonder why Krystal hasn’t figured out what an HD camera is yet.
I’m getting a sad sense that the SEC Network is going to be the “game where it’s over by the 3rd quarter” all season. The three prior games, admittedly all SEC teams vs. mid-majors, ended around the 3rd quarter.
ULM was about to punt WAIT NO THEY DON’T. THEY GET IT AGAIN. ULM has probably the most insane 4th down effort strategy ever and I love it. Again, if you aren’t known for being good, why not just damn do it? I wonder if Gene’s going for the “never give them a 4th down so we never get burned on it” tactic as since that last 4th down, they’ve made the first on three downs. ULM tries a screen play. It is dumb. And ULM is going to probably fake a field goal. Of course they don’t actually fake it and then it gets blocked. Gah, always not 100% with you kids.
Yup, ULM’s pretty much DOA at this point. Onterrio McCalebb is trouncing the defense and unless there’s a Frazier mistake, the Warhawks are running out of chances here. A good offense can only do so much when the other team wants to not duff it this week. Then they immediately duff it. ULM picks up a fumble, only the first turnover of the afternoon.
Live-Blog Note: Next week’s SEC Network battle is Kentucky vs. Florida. Considering Kentucky’s offense, this shit might be much funnier than today’s battle.
ULM gets a nice drive going, starting from their own 4 to the 36. They also get a flag from a face mask. Auburn’s almost trying to let them back into this. They do trip up a dude so ULM is only at midfield as we end this quarter.
End of the 3rd Quarter
ULM used to be known as the Indians before they grew sanity, but Tim McGraw is ULM’s most famous alum. So this is relevant. And since they probably won’t win, I won’t get to use this as the end of the game.
Auburn still doesn’t get a first when doing so would literally take the game out of ULM’s hands. Considering last week, though, at least they have a lead. Browning is now playing the Aaron Murray of this ball game, overthrowing a bit too much for comfort. ULM is getting first downs, but in a massive shock, relying on third and fourth downs might be a poor idea at this point.
There is an injury timeout here, which sucks for obvious reasons, but after the horror that was last week’s series of injuries, I’m very happy to see that we’ve only seen few injuries so far. Hope that continues.
That said, the effort is pretty much done. ULM fails on fourth down. The dream is over. Sending this one out to the Warhawks. Good luck against…Baylor? Oh Jesus.
Yes, I know games are 60 minutes and shit, but merh.
…Okay, instant correction. Kiehl Frazier threw a pick. Ignore everything I just typed.
This is Auburn right now.
“Just when you think he is down, he is not out,” Dave Neal on Kolton Browning. And now the kid is on fire. He throws an incomplete, but he isn’t throwing picks. And we see another ULM fourth down. Let’s see. They are 2 for 3 today. And they fucking do it. Yards away from a one touchdown game here.
Auburn 28, ULM 21 Shit’s getting good again. My my. Browning throws yet another short TD. Auburn’s true Achilles heel is short yard passes in the endzone. Maybe you’ll get your Tim McGraw tribute yet.
Dave Neal tells Andre Ware, “You never listen to me! You and my wife.” Dave Neal, the world’s worst husband.
ULM plays with gusto, but Auburn plays with continual foot-shooting penalties. They’ve saved ULM’s ass more than once. Again, it’s like they’re trying to do this. And you know this story. The Warhawks are now at the seven yard line. Well, I don’t have to whine about SEC Network games getting boring at the end now.
Auburn 28, ULM 28 And Kolton Browning with a fucking tremendous short pass again to score it. I’m writing this before the extra point, so my excitement might die. OH WAIT, THEY’RE GOING FOR TWO. OH WAIT THEY’RE NOT. But the fact that this team could legitimately have gone for two is fucking amazing.
NELA pride right now. And Onterrio McCalebbbbbbb is probably hurt…on a touchback.
Kevin Nash may have actually done more to tear his quad here.
And Auburn went three and out on their big two minute drive. Unbelievable. We’re going to OT.
End of the 4th Quarter
It’s a bit of a shit drive for ULM, though. They’re with a 4th and 5 play. Do you go for it on that setting? I want to, really badly. Either way seems fatal, but they’ll go for the kick. Maybe we see a fake here? And he should’ve faked it because he missed it. Sigh. Looks like we’re seeing the end. Alas. Auburn being forced to OT is still lol-worthy, but whatever.
Auburn 31, ULM 28 A bit of heartbreak, but jeez. I still love this team. They’ve had an insane schedule for a Sunbelt team, and they’ve showed gumption. I hope this doesn’t break their heart too much, because they’ve got some guts.
End of Game